Friday, July 16, 2004
By Albert Greenland, guest blogger for The Galvin Opinion
BAM! OOF! POW! ZAP! ZONK! THE DYNAMIC DUO
Yes, I have heard that Kerry looks a little like Lurch and a lot like Herman Munster. I know he has a hand like Cousin It when around young interns who show up at his home after 11pm, on weeknights, to drop-off resumes. But I believe that he more closely resembles Batman. No, not the Val Kilmer or Michael Keaton versions of Batman. I am really talking about the swashbuckling Batman played by Adam West in the Original 1960’s Batman series.
Yes, “Boy Wonder” plaintiffs’ attorney Edwards may have left his card on top of your body as you lay at the bottom of stairs, or called you after a car ran over your foot and the doctor misdiagnosed your cold. But this is not just any young ambulance chaser, its Boy Wonder Robin. Boy Wonder, originally played by Burt Ward, was recruited by Kerry to help him win the election.
Here are the top 10 reasons why Kerry and Edwards are Batman and Robin: (I am usually not this vicious but the Democrats bring out the worst in me)
(1) Like Batman (billionaire Bruce Wayne when not wearing a mask), Kerry is also a billionaire. Well, he did not earn a penny of it himself, he married the Heinz fortune thanks to a pre-nuptial agreement the Republicans are too stupid to make public, and thanks also to (what had to be) reliance on Viagra to consummate that marriage.
(2) Like Batman, Kerry has a penchant for wearing masks. No matter the situation, Kerry knows how to please his fans by wearing the mask. Remember, for example, he understands that life begins at conception but would only elect a pro-life Supreme Court Justice if liberals were a majority on the bench so there would be no chance of overruling Roe v. Wade.
(3) Like the swashbuckling Batman, who regularly fell off water-skis, motorcycles and everything else, Kerry has already fallen off a snowboard and a bike. Of course the media always gives Kerry one free dry-run in which he can make a fool of himself before the cameras are turned on. It must be nice to be a Democrat.
(4) Well Batman never wanted to reveal where he kept the Batmobile, and Kerry’s Batmobile is his SUV—hidden away somewhere in the Heinz compound. Environmental terrorists (E.L.F.) shouldn’t worry about seeing Kerry drive it, and should not drop a Molotov cocktail on it like those other Hummers out West—because it is really Kerry’s wife’s car. We all know Kerry is nothing but a “ne'er-do-well,” who only put his name on the mark by criticizing his country during the Vietnam War in the way that only a glib Yale liberal could. Kerry could never afford an SUV without Republican (Heinz) money.
(5) Batman had a love-hate relationship with Cat Woman — Hillary Clinton (with lioness’ claws to scratch any man’s or beast’s eyes out). Yes, Kerry is letting Hillary speak at the DNC Convention, but he has to hate her guts because she is crying at his party, the Democratic National Convention.
Co-starring, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Howard Dean
(6) Edwards (Boy Wonder) really does look like Burt Ward from the original series. See picture of Burt Ward above...
(7) Edwards and Kerry touch each other a lot. It makes me feel more than a little uncomfortable. We all knew that Batman and Robin in the 1960’s series had some weird vibes going on, but not like this shameless and pathetic display. If I were married to Teresa Heinz who knows what I would resort to in order to get away from her unpredictable sound bites.
(8) Speaking of sound bites, did you ever hear Edwards speak in Robin's manner? He sounds just like Boy Wonder in the original series. Watch out Batman! Batman, use your utility belt! Holy gullible jury, Batman!
(9) Boy Wonder, chosen as VP candidate over veterans such as Gephardt, allegedly adds youth and charisma to the ticket. But where would he be without Batman? The only thing Edwards knows about politics is that tort reform is bad for ambulance chasers. The only way he would climb up the side of a building would be if he had to interview a prospective personal injury client.
(10) And, finally, look at the cast of villains that surrounds Kerry and Edwards like Batman and Robin:
The Penguin—Ted Kennedy (understudy is Mario Cuomo).
The Riddler—Bill Clinton (understudy is James Carville).
Cat Woman—Hillary Clinton (understudy is Barbara Boxer).
The Joker—Howard Dean (understudy is Whoopi Goldberg).