Monday, July 12, 2004


The 'dead cat bounce' has Democrats crying in their Volvos

Turn that frown upside down... Lack of bounce might mean Edwards is out

Washington, July 12 - Democrats are gnashing their teeth, fretting over losing what could have been. "Where's our bounce?" has been the plaintive wail from Boston to Berkeley. Despite the inevitable conspiracy theories, sickened Democrats are blaming John Edwards for the 'dead cat bounce.' Now there are cries for John Kerry to dump Edwards and pick a new vice presidential candidate before the election.

"We need to punch up the ticket," said an unnamed former Missouri Congressman. "We need someone who served in the House even longer than the amount of time that John Kerry has been a senator. Democrats love government and those who govern." It seems that Democrats have a bit of buyer's remorse when it comes to their initial enthusiasm over Edwards. One Democrat voter who lives on Manhattan's Upper West Side said, "I think I speak for all Americans when I say that the Bush Administration manipulated us into wanting Kerry to pick Edwards. Since when do we like shallow, good looking, inexperienced, personal injury lawyers? I think Bush fooled around with the polls that asked Democrats who they wanted for vice president. Is it too late for ask for the man we really want? Bring back Howard Dean, please!"

Morale at the DNC is low. Terry McAuliffe refused to comment on what the lack of a poll bounce means for the Democratic ticket. Donna Brazile thought she knew why the ticket hasn't caught fire. "John Kerry is an elitist. He chose to announce his choice over the internet to the white preppy kids in the Hamptons. Minorities don't have the internet, poor working people can't check their e-mail from the factory or the lunch counter. He turned off those voters."

The calls for dumping Edwards are growing. Former N.Y. Senator Al D'Amato urged President Bush, last week, to dump Dick Cheney. This week, he focused on Kerry and Edwards by saying, "I believe John Kerry can guarantee his election by looking to several other notable individuals who would add a great dimension to his ticket as a running mate. Colin Powell would make a great choice, even better than John McCain."

The Kerry campaign said they are not ruling anything out. An unnamed spokesman said, "we are entitled to that bounce. We're not going to allow some slick hick prevent us from our right to have a bounce in the polls. We're thinking about having Kerry ride in a swiftboat down the Charles River to the Democrat Convention in Boston. If we do choose to dump Edwards, we might push him off the swiftboat and pick up someone else, down river. It would be great symbolism and it'll send a message to Americans - John Kerry will do anything to win the election."

Update, July 15: NYTimes has juicy gossip on Cheney, not. Check out PoliBlog and Wizbang.


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